By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor
For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.
Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.
Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."
So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:
• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.
Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.
• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.
Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.
• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.
• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.
• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?
Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.
• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!
• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.
• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.
So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.
• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.
The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?
• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.
• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Golf is for the Birds
Okay, so I wouldn't know a Spotted Sandpiper (artitis macularia) from a Roseate Spoonbill (Andea alba). However, as a traveling golfer (linkus crazius I know an exciting golf destination when I find one. Named for the noted 19th century naturist and bird lover, John James Audubon, the Audubon Golf Trail of Louisiana combines excellent, nature-friendly courses with pocketbook-friendly green fees - a delightful one-two punch. After a recent golf trip there, I may have discovered my inner ornithologist. Was that a Magnificent Frigatebird (Fregata magnificens) that just watched me (sandtrapus ineptus) take three shots to get out of that bunker?
Black Bear
As the newest member of the Trail, Black Bear is the perfect place to start your Louisiana golf expedition. A short 45-minute flight from Houston to nearby Monroe and a quick drive east on Interstate 20 with a turnoff at Delhi finds you out in the serene delta of the mighty Mississippi - 30 miles due east.
Built near the 3,000-acre reservoir which is the centerpiece of the Poverty Point State Park, Black Bear is a treasure trove of natural golfing riches as the Bechtol Russell design winds around two verdant rimmed creeks, the Bogzag and Cypress. Named for an actual bear that lives near the tricky 15th green, the brand spanking new 18 already has an air of maturity to it. Actually, the course is well-named because many of the holes are ferocious, especially the par-3s. My favorite is the 188-yard par-3 6th which requires a well-struck mid-iron to hold the slanted, narrow green. With a steep bunker right and the winding creek left, a perfect shot is required or Black Bear takes a bite out of your score. This is a fine newcomer in a mesmerizing locale. For reasonable lodging, check out the comfortable lake cabins that are actually built out over the water on stilted legs like those of an American White Pelican (Pelecanus erythrorlynchos).
For more details, visit www.blackbear-golf.com; cost: $37 weekdays, $49 weekends.
Ever wonder where those migratory birds flying south for the winter head? Many set down and winter happily in the wetlands west of the Mississippi River in northern Louisiana. Warm weather, lush rolling hills with scores of lakes, reservoirs, creeks, ponds, and swamps - this is paradise for our fowl-feathered friends. For we non-avian types, the land is also perfect for golf. The Audubon Golf Trail teems with wonderful locales to tee it up. Let's take a look at a few.
As the newest member of the Trail, Black Bear is the perfect place to start your Louisiana golf expedition. A short 45-minute flight from Houston to nearby Monroe and a quick drive east on Interstate 20 with a turnoff at Delhi finds you out in the serene delta of the mighty Mississippi - 30 miles due east.
Built near the 3,000-acre reservoir which is the centerpiece of the Poverty Point State Park, Black Bear is a treasure trove of natural golfing riches as the Bechtol Russell design winds around two verdant rimmed creeks, the Bogzag and Cypress. Named for an actual bear that lives near the tricky 15th green, the brand spanking new 18 already has an air of maturity to it. Actually, the course is well-named because many of the holes are ferocious, especially the par-3s. My favorite is the 188-yard par-3 6th which requires a well-struck mid-iron to hold the slanted, narrow green. With a steep bunker right and the winding creek left, a perfect shot is required or Black Bear takes a bite out of your score. This is a fine newcomer in a mesmerizing locale. For reasonable lodging, check out the comfortable lake cabins that are actually built out over the water on stilted legs like those of an American White Pelican (Pelecanus erythrorlynchos).
For more details, visit www.blackbear-golf.com; cost: $37 weekdays, $49 weekends.
Calvert Crossing
One of the great aspects to the Trail is that you're never more than two hours from the next course. Just down the road an hour due west as the Barred owl (Strix varia) flies is stately Calvert Crossing in Calhoun. Built on over 400 acres and with almost every hole lined with tall pines and grand white oaks, Calvert Crossing is golf and nature coexisting in wonderful harmony. There are thousands of potential spots for birds to nest happily in and around the well-groomed fairways and greens.
Throughout the 6,822-yard design, water comes into play on 10 holes so attention must be paid before simply bombing away with your driver. Throttle it down a bit and enjoy the lush surroundings of a superlative golfing playground. Afterwards, savor your round with a drink in Mulligan's - the friendly bar in the clubhouse. The local natives (Louisiana friendilo) are convivial.
For details, visit www.calvertgolf.com; cost: $55 weekdays, $67 weekends.
One of the great aspects to the Trail is that you're never more than two hours from the next course. Just down the road an hour due west as the Barred owl (Strix varia) flies is stately Calvert Crossing in Calhoun. Built on over 400 acres and with almost every hole lined with tall pines and grand white oaks, Calvert Crossing is golf and nature coexisting in wonderful harmony. There are thousands of potential spots for birds to nest happily in and around the well-groomed fairways and greens.
Throughout the 6,822-yard design, water comes into play on 10 holes so attention must be paid before simply bombing away with your driver. Throttle it down a bit and enjoy the lush surroundings of a superlative golfing playground. Afterwards, savor your round with a drink in Mulligan's - the friendly bar in the clubhouse. The local natives (Louisiana friendilo) are convivial.
For details, visit www.calvertgolf.com; cost: $55 weekdays, $67 weekends.
Olde Oaks
Two hours west of Calhoun on Interstate 20 takes us to bustling Shreveport and Olde Oaks Golf Club - a marvelous design by homegrown PGA star Hal Sutton. With 27 wildlife-friendly holes spread over 340 acres of gently rolling terrain, Olde Oaks is one of the great golfing values in the country. You'll find few courses this immaculate in the $40-$50 green fee range.
Each nine is a world onto itself. The Meadow Nine, probably the most stalwart of the three, covers the lowlands and requires strategic thinking to be played well. However, "what you see is what you get" and well-placed drives are rewarded with easier approaches to the devious greens.
The Oak Nine is the most visually appealing of the three layouts as the holes flow through swaths of majestic oaks in full foliage and singing birds providing the background music. The two par-5s on this side, the 1st and 6th, are fabulous and require you to know your golfing limitations before challenging the water hazards (golfballus interruptus) protecting par.
The Cypress Nine is the most open side and allows you to loosen your collared shirt and air it out a bit as the holes are routed through a neighborhood of stately homes so grand you wonder if Bruce Wayne lives somewhere close by. Don't worry about hitting any of these estates with your wild slice or hook as they're set well back from the course. Olde Oaks is a gem.
For details, visit www.oldeoaksgolf.com; cost: $44 weekdays, $49 weekends.
Two hours west of Calhoun on Interstate 20 takes us to bustling Shreveport and Olde Oaks Golf Club - a marvelous design by homegrown PGA star Hal Sutton. With 27 wildlife-friendly holes spread over 340 acres of gently rolling terrain, Olde Oaks is one of the great golfing values in the country. You'll find few courses this immaculate in the $40-$50 green fee range.
Each nine is a world onto itself. The Meadow Nine, probably the most stalwart of the three, covers the lowlands and requires strategic thinking to be played well. However, "what you see is what you get" and well-placed drives are rewarded with easier approaches to the devious greens.
The Oak Nine is the most visually appealing of the three layouts as the holes flow through swaths of majestic oaks in full foliage and singing birds providing the background music. The two par-5s on this side, the 1st and 6th, are fabulous and require you to know your golfing limitations before challenging the water hazards (golfballus interruptus) protecting par.
The Cypress Nine is the most open side and allows you to loosen your collared shirt and air it out a bit as the holes are routed through a neighborhood of stately homes so grand you wonder if Bruce Wayne lives somewhere close by. Don't worry about hitting any of these estates with your wild slice or hook as they're set well back from the course. Olde Oaks is a gem.
For details, visit www.oldeoaksgolf.com; cost: $44 weekdays, $49 weekends.
Cypress Bend Golf Resort & Conference Center
Two hours drive south from Shreveport along the Louisiana-Texas border leads you to scenic Cypress Bend on vast Toledo Bend Lake - a bass-fishing Mecca that now is a full-on golf destination as well. If you can't chill out there in the elegant comfy rooms and peaceful lakefront vistas severe medication is your only answer.
The golf course features 10 holes along the lakefront and six times you hit shots over inlets and coves just waiting to add your ball to a watery grave. The par-3 17th of 128 yards plays to a green perched on the edge of the lake and is as pretty a golf hole as you'll find anywhere. The finisher - a stout par-4 of 341 yards - plays much longer as it's uphill. A par there deserves a drink in the nearby resort lounge complete with a beguiling view back over the course and lake. Cypress Bend certainly has its charms.
For more information, visit www.cypressbend.com; cost: $55 weekdays, $70 weekend.
Two hours drive south from Shreveport along the Louisiana-Texas border leads you to scenic Cypress Bend on vast Toledo Bend Lake - a bass-fishing Mecca that now is a full-on golf destination as well. If you can't chill out there in the elegant comfy rooms and peaceful lakefront vistas severe medication is your only answer.
The golf course features 10 holes along the lakefront and six times you hit shots over inlets and coves just waiting to add your ball to a watery grave. The par-3 17th of 128 yards plays to a green perched on the edge of the lake and is as pretty a golf hole as you'll find anywhere. The finisher - a stout par-4 of 341 yards - plays much longer as it's uphill. A par there deserves a drink in the nearby resort lounge complete with a beguiling view back over the course and lake. Cypress Bend certainly has its charms.
For more information, visit www.cypressbend.com; cost: $55 weekdays, $70 weekend.
Gray Plantation
As if saving the best for last, my final round was at Gray Plantation in Lake Charles. Named by Golf Digest in the top-100 greatest public courses as well as GOLF Magazine's "top-three among 50 best U.S. courses for $50 or less," Gray Plantation is a real find for those seeking first-class golf at municipal prices.
Hurricane Rita - a Category 5 storm - roared through Lake Charles in 2005 and the course lost hundreds of towering pines which bordered many of the holes. Nonetheless, the Rocky Roquemore design still has all the challenge you want with 94 bunkers, wetlands, and two par-3s with island greens. As if that all wasn't testing enough, the wind gusts off the adjacent waterway turn several approach shots into mini-torture tests.
The final hole is a brutish par-4 of 439 yards that plays directly up to the elegant clubhouse. Two stout hits are necessary to find a putting surface surrounded by a series of evil bunkers. It's a great end to an excellent layout. After the round, I sat out on the wide veranda and enjoyed the club's crawfish boil with the cheerful locals which made me yearn to trace my family tree for Cajun roots.
For more information, visit www.graywoodllc.com; $50 weekdays, $65 weekends.
As if saving the best for last, my final round was at Gray Plantation in Lake Charles. Named by Golf Digest in the top-100 greatest public courses as well as GOLF Magazine's "top-three among 50 best U.S. courses for $50 or less," Gray Plantation is a real find for those seeking first-class golf at municipal prices.
Hurricane Rita - a Category 5 storm - roared through Lake Charles in 2005 and the course lost hundreds of towering pines which bordered many of the holes. Nonetheless, the Rocky Roquemore design still has all the challenge you want with 94 bunkers, wetlands, and two par-3s with island greens. As if that all wasn't testing enough, the wind gusts off the adjacent waterway turn several approach shots into mini-torture tests.
The final hole is a brutish par-4 of 439 yards that plays directly up to the elegant clubhouse. Two stout hits are necessary to find a putting surface surrounded by a series of evil bunkers. It's a great end to an excellent layout. After the round, I sat out on the wide veranda and enjoyed the club's crawfish boil with the cheerful locals which made me yearn to trace my family tree for Cajun roots.
For more information, visit www.graywoodllc.com; $50 weekdays, $65 weekends.
Summing Up . . .
Both bird- and golfer-friendly, the Audubon Golf Trail has another seven courses I didn't play with similar low green fees and high-caliber wildlife. In addition to great golf perhaps you'll spot a Green Heron (Butorides virescens) or even a Wilson's Plover (Charadrius Wilsonia).
That prospect makes me one happy golfer (smilio hackeris).
For more information about Louisiana's Audubon Golf Trail, visit www.AudubonTrail.com or call 1-866-AGT-IN-LA.
David Wood - writer, corporate speaker, and humorist - is the author of the soon-to-be published book "Around the World in Eighty Rounds." With several appearances on "Late Night with David Letterman," Wood combines humor with his love for golf and adventurous travel. For comments or inquiries on having him speak to your group, contact David at David@DavidWoodSpeaking.com. His website address is www.DavidWoodSpeaking.com.
Both bird- and golfer-friendly, the Audubon Golf Trail has another seven courses I didn't play with similar low green fees and high-caliber wildlife. In addition to great golf perhaps you'll spot a Green Heron (Butorides virescens) or even a Wilson's Plover (Charadrius Wilsonia).
That prospect makes me one happy golfer (smilio hackeris).
For more information about Louisiana's Audubon Golf Trail, visit www.AudubonTrail.com or call 1-866-AGT-IN-LA.
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